Pay Attention. This Is How You Throw Together An Outfit

Funny story. I actually tried not matching and by doing that, I made fashion happen. No idea who the lovely lady is in the dress but odds are that she's probably in love with me.

#16 Promises That #16 Will Return Next Season

If any player personified the 2009-10 New York Rangers, it was Sean Avery. When he brought his game, he and the Blueshirts won games and were entertaining while doing it. This was all despite Avery being a shadow of the player Rangers fans fell in love with when the winger was acquired from Los Angeles in 2007. Avery's game changed after being benched for Game Five of the opening round of the playoffs last season against the Washington Capitals. Avery took two penalties that nearly cost the Rangers the game. Avery was benched for Game Five— a game the Rangers lost— but later said he deserved the benching. Tortorella said that Avery needs to learn where the line is, and not cross it. It was evident last season, though, that Avery doesn't know where that line is. At times during the season, Avery was barely visible on the ice. He played tamed and downright soft. He only showed flashes of the play that made him a household name, usually resulting in a breakout game, such as in early January against his former team, the Dallas Stars. Avery exploded for two goals and drew several penalties while being named the first star of the game. It's debatable that Avery is the most important member of the team aside from goaltender Henrik Lundqvist. The team and the arena come alive when Avery is at his worst, and if the Rangers will have any success this season, Avery will have to be at the center of it. Luckily for the fans and the organization, Avery promised that we'd see the Avery of yesteryear come back this season on MSG Network Thursday night during an interview with Al Trautwig and new teammate Alexander Frolov.

People say the only person that understands Sean Avery is Sean Avery but they're wrong. I understand Sean Avery.  Listen, it's hard to bring it every day of the week. He's a dickhead on the ice but he's Joe cool off of it and that tells me sometimes he blurs the lines. What I'm saying is when you're always bringing the thunder, it's easy to get lost in the storm. Case in point. I like to party. Kill me. But sometimes I don't like to party and everyone asks you if you're sick or if something is wrong or if you wanna have some deep, heart to heart talk and I just say, "no motherfucker. The tiger is in his cage tonight." So when Avery is playing "soft" it's just his way of regrouping his head and his game to get ready for the next night.

Snooki Sent To Drunk Tank

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, of MTV's faux-reality show Jersey Shore, was arrested yesterday in Seaside Heights on a disorderly-conduct charge. Reports say she was booked for being drunk in public. This was reality, but it could have been the show. Check that: It was the show. It was real, that is, but the cameras were rolling, and it'll all get kneaded into America's leading intellectual examination of Atlantic Coast culture. Photos show a bouffantless Snooki, in a T-shirt with the fetching message SLUT, getting hauled off by a brace of Jersey gendarmes. Unnamed Source says Snooki "just needs to be in a drunk tank for two hours." Who doesn't, right? Unnamed tells TMZ Snooki was in a bar drinking "body shots" - sipped out of someone's navel.

I would have a lot more respect for Snooks if she was doing body shots off herself. That takes talent. That takes dedication. That takes focus. All of which you don't need to be a reality television star.  But seriously who's the officer that arrested all 4 feet of Snooki? He must feel like a real tough guy. The Jersey Shore is a lot safer now that they got a dangerous criminal like her off the streets. I'd just take my club and whack the bitch into the sand but that's me. I finish things. That's what I do.

Tom Brady Doesn't Need Stretching. Stretching Needs Tom Brady

The shepard watching over his cattle. Might be the first day of training camp but I am soooo fucking ready for this season to start.

I Think We Just Found Our New Blogger

Say what you want about Rick but don't say he doesn't understand the meaning of life. The wild women, the wild women. The rippin' and the tearin', the rippin' and the tearin'. Get down with your bad self, Rick!

I Take It All Back. We're So Fucked.

BURLINGTON, Conn. -- State police said they were investigating the theft of a headstone that marked the grave of a woman known as the “Green Lady,” whose ghost is said to haunt the area surrounding the cemetery. Police said the headstone was believed to be taken from the cemetery during the night of July 20.The original headstone on the grave of Elisabeth Palmiter, who died in 1800, was replaced in the 1970s and weighs over 200 pounds. Police said more than one person had to have taken the headstone given its weight.According to legend, Palmiter's ghost has been seen wandering the graveyard in a green mist.Police are asking anyone who may have noticed a vehicle parked in the area of Upson Road between 7:30 p.m. July 20 and 11 a.m. on July 21

Thanks a lot, assholes.  Now I gotta sleep with one eye open for the rest of the summer or until that headstone is returned. You know who's really pissed about this? My boss/agent/cat/business partner/right hand man. He's the one who spends most of his days outside and gallivanting in the wilderness. Now he has to keep his head on a swivel. He's worked too damn hard his whole life to go back to that ghetto life style.


P.S. The Sox are so hot right now.

This Story Just Won't Quit

At the urging of Rudy Fernandez and his agent, the Trail Blazers have engaged in accelerated trade discussions to deal the disgruntled, once-popular shooting guard to one of three Eastern Conference teams. Boston, Chicago and New York are all in the running to land the 6-foot-6 Spaniard, who set an NBA rookie record two seasons ago by making 159 three-pointers. Fernandez, 25, is unhappy in Portland because of limited playing time behind All-Star Brandon Roy and because of the playing style of coach Nate McMillan, who primarily used Fernandez as an outside shooter, not the playmaker Fernandez believes he can be in the NBA. Fernandez has two years remaining on his contract, which will pay him $1.25 million next season. The Blazers acquired Fernandez, along with James Jones, from Phoenix for cash considerations on draft night 2007. Fernandez signed with Portland in July 2008, ending his seven-year career in the Spanish ACB League. 

I cannot even tell you how fast I will buy a Rudy Fernandez jersey if he comes to Boston.  You can tell Rajon that I'll stop obsessing over him for a while. Plus Rudy has one of these....

Did I Really Just See This On SportsCenter?

You gotta be kidding me. I'm not saying the catch wasn't impressive or anything but give me a fucking break. The show is called SportsCenter. Not JV club activities for every kid that couldn't cut it on the real playing field with the big boys. I have absolutely no respect for Ultimate Frisbee players. Or homeless people but that's another rant for another time. They walk around, acting like their too cool for school but at the end of the day they couldn't throw a football or catch a baseball to save their lives. Congrats, you can fling a plastic disk across a field. You know who else can do that? Blind people. And if you're gonna sit there and tell me Ray Charles could beat me 1 on 1 on the hardwood then you're sadly mistaken. Gotta be an athlete to win those games and you gotta be a queer to take frisbee seriously. You must train really hard in order to do that. Oh, you don't? You mean you're just a loser who plays a boring game while you listen to Blues Traveler? Well, sign me up! Dorks.

We're All OK

ESPN NFL insider Adam Schefter joined the Dennis & Callahan show Monday morning to talk about Tom Brady’s contract talks. Schefter is much more optimistic than others who have indicated the QB is unhappy with the Patriots. Schefter said he believes Brady is on schedule to be signed before Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “On the basis of everything I’ve heard this weekend, it sounds like the Patriots and Tom Brady are furthest along at this point in time,” Schefter said. “It sounds like something definitely can get wrapped up here this summer.” Added Schefter: “I did not get the sense that it is imminent, but I did get the sense it’s certainly possible in the next few weeks.” Schefter said he believes concerns about the collective bargaining agreement and how it will affect the salary cap are slowing down the process.

So Brady's contract is actually making progress? And he's actually not unhappy because he's the greatest guy ever? What? Is this seriously news to people?  ESPN and their gossip loving bosses can talk about how Tom Terrific might hold out from training camp and how he's pissed about his contract and all that bullshit but the real fans knew what the fuck was up all along. You don't win 3 super bowls, bag yourself a kid with a smoking hot actress then knock up a super model by being a bad dude. You do that by being the coolest person ever and that's exactly who Tom is. Yeah, maybe his celebrity status has gone up over the years and he's frequently featured on TMZ but do you actually think he gives a fuck about that shit? All that guy cares about is getting on the field and winning games. Obviously he wants to get paid like a superstar but he won't whine and bitch about it. That's just not his style. He's the ultimate professional. Tom is happy, I'm happy.

New Orleans Tells Chris Paul To Put His Swords Away For a Minute

NEW ORLEANS -- Chris Paul jumped at the chance to express his love for New Orleans during his annual youth basketball camp on Tuesday. Only the subject of his future with the Hornets gave him pause. Paul said his meeting with Hornets general manager Dell Demps, head coach Monty Williams and team president Hugh Weber on Monday "went really well." He added that he was "excited" by Williams' approach to coaching. Paul even went so far as to say he's "never been able to envision" continuing his NBA career anywhere but New Orleans, the city where he became an NBA All-Star, the face of his franchise and one of the most popular figures in the community. And yet, when given the chance to say without reservation that he did not want to be traded, Paul said now was not the time. "There will be a time," Paul said, trying repeatedly to turn the focus of his comments back to his work in the community and his camp at Tulane University.

Classic, classic, classic. Chris Paul got to the point where he was done with this relationship. Just absolutely finished and fed up. His bags were packed and the team/lady says, "Hey let's talk about this one more time. I wanna be on the same terms." So CP3 like any loyal human being agrees to talk it over with the New Orleans brass and they paint him some pretty picture and make him promises of how they'll change and work around him and blah, blah, blah. Paul is now feeling really good about himself. Thinks he's getting what he wants. Smiles in the room are contagious and it's hard to act like an asshole when everyone is being so nice to you so now he's all about playing for the Hornets. Sure. Well that's all gonna end when he gets home with his crew, cracks a beer, clears his head and realizes he's too hot for New Orleans. His mojo is through the roof right now and the Hornets don't have the bat speed to keep up with his high cheese. So I expect stories about CP3 and the Hornets to continue all summer as they continues this flirty, love me baby bullshit until the levee's break and all hell breaks loose. Too soon?

Jordon Brault Just Posted His Schedule On Facebook. Hey Sluts, Plan Accordingly!

Back to back study halls on day 1 and 3? And recording then Multimedia? What the fuck is that? Why couldn't I have had that class as option? I'd be at Yale instead of Albertus for my freshman year. I don't think Brault knows how bad he just hit the jack pot with that schedule. I mean that senior courtyard is going to become his kingdom by the first month of school. All parents are gonna be on patrol after 12 PM because they know their children aren't safe with Brault smashing chicks on the picnic tables. It's his guidance counselor gave him the golden ticket and now wants to see if his ass can cash it in or if he'll pussy out and play the conservative role. I'll put my money on the first option. No way that kid doesn't take advantage of this great fortune. Chicks dig Reba. Reba digs Brault. Chicks dig Brault. Boom. Get your glasses ready for the class of 2011. Laser show.

P.S. He better have a twitter. Him and Elliot Debonee need to join forces and start shocking some people.

Wait! Which One Is Which!?!?!

I hate twins. Always have, always will. You just can't trust a set of those bastards. One day they're helping an old lady across the street and the next they're groping females at a country concert with their shirts off. Except for the Burns boys but that's because between the two of them they have .25 of a brain.

Is Sean Avery Really an Asshole? Yes. Sean Avery Is Really an Asshole

"If I didn't think you'd sue me I'd slap your head off and take your phone." Hilarious.

Clint Dempsey To AC Milan?

Reports are circulating that Italian Serie A giants, AC Milan, have got their eyes on Team USA and EPL Fulham player, Clint Dempsey.  The attacking midfielder is coming off of a gritty, standout performance in this summer's FIFA World Cup tournament.  Dempsey opened the USA's goal account in their first match against England on June 12.  He went on to score another goal in the tournament that was controversially disallowed. Prior to joining the US team for its South African campaign, Dempsey enjoyed a successful season with the English Premiere League's Fulham.  His goal in the second game of a two-leg tie against Juventus helped Fulham to reach the Europa League final, where they lost to Athletico Madrid. His record of consistently strong performances throughout the 2009-10 season lead the rugged midfielder to be designated Most Valuable Player amongst Americans in Europe by SoccerOverThere.com.

I know Clint Dempsey. Clint Dempsey is a friend of mine. And one thing I know for certain is Dempsey's game doesn't fly in Italian soccer. The main reason is because Dempsey is no bitch and Italian soccer players come in tampon casing. I heard Clint to Milan and immediately had this vision of him going ape shit on some pussy after he dove in the box and the ref let him get a penalty. Dempsey won't stand for that shit. He's an English Premier league guy through and through. The only American player that always matches his grit with his finesse. In other words, he's a tough motherfucker who can put the ball in the net.

Bieber Has a New Video Out and Nobody Told Me?

-Well this starts off in typical Usher fashion. Dancing, dancing, random hands groping you while you sing. That's usually how a night at Room 960 goes, too.

-Is it just me or has the Bieb stepped up his dancing skills? He's come a long way since playing xbox 360 at Usher's house party. It's like once society accepted him, he decided to start throwing 7 different kinds of smoke at us. We're not worthy!

-At the :25 second mark did that 30 year old girl just simulate giving him a bj?

-Usher comes in and breaks out 3 asians who all look the same. But that's not his fault. ALL asians look the same, not just them.

-The song is called "Somebody to love" and all I've seen so far is like 10 dudes dancing like a bunch of assholes. Seriously. Who dances like this? Stop showing off, bro. Go find a girl and grind your dick up on her like us normal folk.

-What happened at the 2:05 mark? Did Bieber get sent to oriental hell? Oh, I guess oriental hell is also more commonly known as North Korea. Or Hiroshima. Whoops. He just wants somebody to love!

-I wanna know how many dancers in that video are under the age of 18. You're not fooling anybody with those faggy ninja turtle back packs.

Rajon Rondo Says Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo acknowledges that LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade teaming up in Miami makes the Heat "good on paper," but he's not ready to concede the NBA title. "They should be good, but they ain't done nothing yet," Rondo told Yahoo sports' Marc Spears at a practice for Team USA in Las Vegas. He also said he's more worried about the Lakers. "What is there to be nervous for? I'm worried about LA. That's the team we need to beat. Miami looks really good on paper, and I'm sure they're going to be really good. But they still have to come together as a team. I'm not saying they won't, but who knows if those guys can jell?" Rondo said.

Whatever Rondo is selling, I'm buying it. That dude just doesn't give a fuck about anything. And I don't think I'm being some conceded Celtics fan either when I say I'm not that worried about the Heat. What has Lebron ever won in his life besides personal trophies? Nothing. What has Chris Bosh ever done in his life? Nothing. Who's the point guard? Chalmers? Who's the center? Ilgauskas? Good grief! I'm just saying the Celtics are still the team to beat in the east.

Question Of The Week: How Bad Ass Is The Mustache?

Just like last week when I questioned my purchase of the Kobe Zoom V's, I'm questioning growing a mustache. Not a beard, not sideburns, not a goatee. A mustache. I once told you the bow tie was coming back and it seems like every fly motherfucker with any sense of style has rocked one. But the mustache is uncharted waters for me. I can't grow facial hair. I shave like once every 3 days but right now I'm at the point where I either shave tomorrow or I let this thing grow out like a filthy haircut. So the question is do I live up to my trend setter ways and be the first son of a bitch to rock a mustache or shave and keep being cute and baby faced. Chicks will dig it, right?

Dez Bryant Is Exactly Who We Thought He Was.

SAN ANTONIO -- Receiver Dez Bryant has done everything right on the field during the first two days of Dallas Cowboys training camp, but he refuses to participate in an NFL rite of passage. According to the rookie first-round pick, Roy Williams and the other veteran receivers can carry their own shoulder pads after practice. Williams gave his pads to Bryant after Sunday's morning practice, but Bryant declined to carry them. Williams threatened to go to "step two" when talking to reporters.  "I'm not doing it," Bryant said. "I feel like I was drafted to play football, not carry another player's pads." "If I was a free agent, it would still be the same thing. I just feel like I'm here to play football. I'm here to try to help win a championship, not carry someone's pads. I'm saying that out of no disrespect to [anyone]." It's a common duty for rookies, who typically get some sort of hazing. Bill Parcells used to make first-round picks bring him water during breaks in practice. The Cowboys' rookie offensive linemen are given awful haircuts by the veterans at some point during each training camp. "Everybody has to go through it," Williams said. "I had to go through it. No matter if you're a No. 1 pick or the 7,000th pick, you've still got to do something when you're a rookie.

There's always that one young guy on every team who thinks he's gonna stand up and be tough and put an end to the rookie or freshman hazing. Well let me ask you this; has it ever worked? Nope and you know why? The guys who demand you carry their pads and carry the team equipment are the same guys who had to eat food out of a toilet when they were first year players too. It's the circle of life and I know it better than anyone because I paid my dues in the blogging world. You don't get to the top of the food chain by going at it alone and telling the world to fuck itself in the process. Oh. Wait. Yes you do. But that's blogging and not team sports. Training camp and preseason conditioning is when a team comes together and you can't have a rookie yapping their mouths like the alpha dog that early in the season. I mean the Olson twins on the soccer team were certified vaginas when I was a senior and they turned out OK.

Woman Throws Bag Of Urine

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PASADENA, Calif. -- Police said a California woman tried to run over a man with her car, then hurled a bag of urine at arresting officers. Pasadena Lt. Chris Russ said 39-year-old Monica Avila was booked for investigation of attempted murder. Investigators said the brother of Avila's ex-boyfriend notified police there was a trespasser on his property at about 3 a.m. Thursday. When the 44-year-old man went outside to talk to Avila, she allegedly tried to run him over with her vehicle and fled. Police spotted her a short time later and pulled her over. The lieutenant said Avila suddenly removed her urostomy bag and threw it at the three arresting officers, who were splashed with urine.

People always ask me why I piss in sandwich bags instead of toilets and this is why.  Listen, I'm a pretty cautious driver but I don't know when I'm gonna run over my friend and then caught up in a wild goose chase. I don't carry a gun or any weapons besides my giant pythons on my arms so what other choice do I have but to throw my piss at the cops? But on a serious note. What's a urostomy bag? I think I know what it is and it just makes this story better. Like it makes her seem a little less crazy because she wasn't actually driving around all day with a zip loc bag of pee. The way I see it is she was simply doing what it took to get out of that situation. She left absolutely nothing in the chamber. Gotta respect that.

WBL Must Return!

He was once the hottest piece of ass in the league. Candidate to be the first winner of the rookie of the year and MVP award in the same season. But now look at him. Sad, lonely, still wearing his uniform just waiting for one more at bat. He's got too much gas in the tank at this point. WBL must return. Not for me, not for Mikey but for the sake of the children. They're the future.

All You're Getting From Me Today

I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick

The New York Knicks are the first team on point guard Chris Paul's wish list of clubs he'd like New Orleans to trade him to, according to sources. Orlando, where he could team with superstar center Dwight Howard, is the second team on Paul's list, which includes Dallas and then Portland, according to sources. In the ideal scenario, Paul and the Denver Nuggets' Carmelo Anthony would wind up in New York to play alongside Amare Stoudemire, forming a big three that could compete with Miami's newly formed super trio of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. "Those guys want to beat the three guys in Miami," a source close to the situation said. A report Wednesday on CBSSports.com said Paul saw what James did in signing to play alongside Wade and Bosh and has designs on doing something similar. Anthony has one year left on his deal with the Nuggets before he can become a free agent. The Nuggets, meanwhile, have offered Anthony a three-year, $65 million contract extension.

Big CP3 fan mainly because he's one of the last guys in the league that gives a shit but this can't happen. Not because it's to the Knicks but because of the precedent it sets for other guys in the league.  It's like Chris Paul saw this awesome party going on in Miami so instead of acting like a man and honoring his contract for 2 more years, he whines like a little bitch to get traded to NY to play with his boy Amare and start his own party. Classic high school move. Oh I didn't get invited to the fiesta? Let me start my own to pull other people from his party so it's not as good. Well fuck that because I know how that ends. You say hey let's to this party till 10 then check out the other one and they both end up sucking. Two big parties in a small town doesn't work just like two powerhouse teams in a mediocre league is fucking boring television. Look at the NFL. You got 12 teams in each league that are legit title contenders every year. Every game is important. Next year in the NBA it's gonna be Miami, Boston, LA, Chicago and Orlando. They all play eachother like twice a year. And we have to watch 82 games before the real shit starts hitting the fan in the playoffs. So fuck Chris Paul and fuck Lebron James. You can't play God. I'd rather lead a team all by myself and beat everyone so I can send out a mass text to every contact in my phone that reads something like this, "HOW DOES MY ASS TASTE?!?!?!"

T-Mac Is Still Alive?

LOS ANGELES -- Free-agent forward Tracy McGrady worked out for the Clippers on Wednesday after taking a physical Tuesday. Clippers general manager Neil Olshey was brief in his assessment. "The workout/visit went well," he said. "Tracy will continue to explore his options as will we." In other words: It was good, but don't start printing any new Clippers T-Mac jerseys just yet. Despite drafting Al-Farouq Aminu eighth overall last month and signing free agent Ryan Gomes, the Clippers still have a noticeable hole in their starting lineup at small forward. Nonetheless, the Clippers' interest in McGrady would probably be for only a one-year contract. Last week at the NBA summer league in Las Vegas, Olshey told ESPNLosAngeles.com that the team was doing its "due diligence" in bringing McGrady in for a workout. "You're talking about one of the greatest offensive talents in our game, and if Tracy is motivated and he's right, and he wants to be with us ... how could you not bring him in and take a look?" Olshey said.

I read reports earlier in the week that the Celtics were looking at this guy but I brushed it off as bullshit and called it silly. McGrady can't play. He'll give you one good game a week and then lay down a stink bomb the rest of the way. That's just his mentality. I worked my ass off tonight so I get the next 6 days off. That's not a Boston mentality. That's not a NBA star mentality and this asshole is anything but a star caliber player at this point. If he's motivated and he's right and he want's to  be with us then you take a shot on him? Really? That's like saying if I was black, 6 foot 9 and athletic then I could cut it as a basketball player. Get the fuck outta here. I mean call my blog stupid, make fun of my amazing sense of style, tell me I'll never make out with Kourtney Kardashian but don't you dare try to tell me Tracy McGrady is still a star in this league.

Yum.

He lost all credibility with me when he matched his shirt with the thong. Just too premeditated. Call me new school but I'm all about rocking complimentary colors. Or better yet try not matching and it actually ends up matching. Yeah. Crazy. Don't test me on my sense of fashion. I got a closet full of clothes that will blow your dick off.

Does Buying These Make Me an Awful Fan/Human Being?

Long story short. I walked into Footlocker today and asked the clerk if he can find me a sneaker that would increase my speed without leaving any tracks. He pointed me to the Kobe Zoom V. I hate LA, I hate all of Kobe's teammates and I hate playing against him. But here's the kicker; I don't hate Kobe. Did he rape a girl? Yes and she was white. Terrible crime. But is he the best player in the game? Yup and growing up at the tail end of the Jordan era there was nobody left for us to worship. Then as we became young adults Kobe evolved. He  was the guy, the dude, the one and still is. So yeah take my fan card but I love Kobe. I admire the shit out of him. He's a fucking weirdo who has no friends and is probably a bit of a loner but he doesn't give a fuck what you think and that's exactly what puts him above the rest. And his sneakers are fucking dope.

Wait. Is This Serious? Is This Real Life? Where's Dick Cheney When You Need Him?

(CBS)  There's a heated debate in New York over plans to build a mosque near the World Trade Center site.  Opponents call it a mosque that's in the worst possible place. "This site should be turned into a museum," said one New Yorker.  Supporters call it a cultural center in the best spot to encourage understanding.  "If a mosque were built then you guys would know what Islam is about," said mosque advocate Dania Darwish.  At issue, a building in lower Manhattan, the proposed site of a 13-story community center and Islamic prayer space, reports CBS News correspondent Jeff Glor.  "This is the Muslim community's effort to rebuild Manhattan," said Park 51 Project spokeswoman Daisy Khan.  The controversy is that it's only two blocks from ground zero. Tthis week Sarah Palin upped an already raucous debate when on Twitter she called on "peaceful" Muslims to "refudiate" the plan, calling it "a stab in the heart" for America. 

I don't like getting political and I absolutely despise Sarah Palin because she's a fucking retard but when you're right, you're right. Preach, baby girl! Preach! I understand that most Muslims are peaceful little creatures and it's wrong to stereotype all arabs as terrorists but if it smells like a rat and it looks like a rat then it's probably a rat. I mean desperate times call for desperate measures. You wanna pray to Buddha or Allah or talk about some asshole named Muhammed then be my guest but don't for a second think it's OK to get your religion on near Ground Zero. Put your five pillars into the ground and I'll come up there and rip it and shove it right up your candy ass. Sex offenders aren't allowed near high schools and muslims shouldn't be allowed to thump their Qu'oran  or whatever the fuck its called near our sacred ground.

R.I.P. James Gammon

Be well, my prince. Be well.

This Is What Happens When I Read Blog Posts Out Loud. Bitches Flock!

Or just Tommy Ponte. Let me say this though. He walked away from that conversation with his head held high and hands in the air, applauding because he knew he may never hear words like that again.

P.S. You wanna clear a room out? Walk into it with one hand on a beer and the other scratching your balls. 

Pitt Player Throws Dude Through a Window. Didn't That Happen On One Tree Hill?

PITTSBURGH -- Pittsburgh defensive end Jabaal Sheard has been suspended indefinitely after being accused of throwing another man through the glass door of an art gallery.  Police say Sheard was in a fight early Sunday and had to be pepper sprayed after he threw the man through the door of La Fond Galleries. Pitt spokesman E.J. Borghetti says Sheard has been suspended from team activities while the athletic department investigates.

Well that's no way to behave at an art gallery! People always wanna say how classy or un-classy I am but you won't see me acting out at an art gallery. No way. I save that shit for backyard games or steel cage matches with the animals. A perfect example is this. Would you wear your tuxedo t-shirt to a wedding? Absolutely not. But would you cut the sleeves off of it and rock it at the after party in the hotel room? Uhh I think I'd be offended if you didn't. And I'm not blaming this poor kid named Jabaal for throwing a dude through a window. That's what we call going into beast mode and anyone with competitive fire is prone to an outburst once a year. It just sucks that it happened at an art gallery because he probably got no support from the crowd. You wanna do it at my party? Great. I'll whoop and yell all night. Beers on me. Shatter glass at an art gallery and you get people in tight jeans who listen to Morrisey saying things like "ugh, that's rather posh." Seriously, though. What the fuck was a Pitt football player doing at an art gallery? If you're trying to tell me he wasn't in it for some pussy, I aint buying it.

MJ Says What I've Been Saying All Along

Michael Jordan led the Chicago Bulls to six titles. And while he had Scottie Pippen, there is little question the Bulls were Jordan's team. So what does Jordan, one of the best-ever in the NBA, think of LeBron James joining with All-Stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to form a super team in Miami? "There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry, called up Magic and said, 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team,' " Jordan said after playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Nevada. "But that's ... things are different. I can't say that's a bad thing. It's an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."

MJ will usually give you 3 solid quotes a year on the state of basketball and it's usually his way of saying, "Yeah they're good but they don't fuck like I can fuck." He pretty much just called out Lebron James and told him where the ladies room was. MJ was gutsy, Lebron is safe. I mean if you wanna go down to Miami with your friends and have this safe, nerf ball life then that's your right. Sitting on your biscuit, never having to risk it. But where I come from, people don't remember the guy who played second fiddle his whole career and thrived off playing with 2 other stars. They remember the one who put his balls out there by himself, told the world to look at him hard because it'll be a long time before they see anything like him.

Our Old Friend Put an Egg On It

He's come a long way since shoving hotdogs up Sellberg's ass in the back of the Expo lot before DMB.

Whammy.

Take notes, bitches.

That's What a Sober John Daly Looks Like?

Ba.Ha.

How Does My Ass Taste?

You wanna complain about no posts this week? Fuck you. I'll be on the beach showering with the dolphins and kicking the shit out of sharks that look at me the wrong way. Daddy needs a break. Talk to scott boucher. He's still on the payroll. Or talk to my secretary/agent/business partner. He's in the kennel at the Canton Vet for the next 5 days. So suck my dick and eat my ass. Everyone.

I Have a Total Man Crush On Xabi Alonso

I'm picking Spain tomorrow and he's the reason why. Arjen Robben sucks dicks. An ant could touch his foot and he'd cry bloody murder. Get your tampons and go, bro.

This Is The Face You Make When You Realize You Have Just Made a Terrible, Terrible Mistake

I really don't understand Lebron's thinking. He calls himself the king but he's going to Wade's team in Wade's city and he'll always have one ring less than Wade. Like he will never be "the guy." MJ was the guy in Chicago, Larry was the guy in Boston and Magic was the guy in LA and I'm the guy in Burlington. But Lebron be the guy in Miami when he's playing alongside a comparable talent in D-Wade and Bosh? Nope. Never. He's a complimentary piece. A flower on the dinner table. Never the main dish. Call this one in because there's no way his legacy as an alpha dog will last. He's a pussy. A vagina. He ran away from Cleveland and NY and blew his shot at really being better than MJ in Chicago where he could have caught alley oops from the best point guard in the league not named Rajon Rondo. So have fun being 1/3 of the player you could have been, Lebron. I'll be up here in my ivory tower.

This Is One Reason Of 1,000 Why Lebron James Must Die.

I love Kanye. I know Kanye. Kanye is a friend of mine. You sir are no Kanye.

Lebron James' "The Decision" Ranks In My Top 10 Most Anticipated Television Viewing

1. Tiger Woods 13 minute apology press conference. That was creepy.
2. Jim Halpert/Pam Beesly wedding episode of The Office
3. Jersey Shore Premier. Obvious reasons for that one.
4. Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals. That used to be #1 but then the outcome has left me bitter and sad.
5. Premier episode of that Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson show. What was it called? Let's get divorced?
6. Series finale of 24. Obviously.
7. Any episode of Entourage.
8. If Chapelle's Show ever came back on the air it would be #1 but for now it's just 8 because I don't wanna get my hopes up.
9. USA/England. That also used to be #1 until the World Cup put me on suicide watch after every team I rooted for went out like a pair of broke back bitches.
10. MTV Cribs episode with Sean Avery. I swear you see 1/4 of Elisha Cuthbert's nipple in the doorway. You gotta go on youtube for that one.

The Big 3 For Another 2.

Ray Allen is re-signing with the Boston Celtics, according to his agent Lon Babby. Babby told ESPN.com on Wednesday that Allen and the Celtics have agreed to a two-year deal worth $10 million annually that includes a player option for the 2011-12 season.

There was never a doubt in my mind that Ray wasn't coming back. He loves Boston. Boston loves him.  Let's go get that title for Doc.

I Changed My Mind. Tomorrow Night Is a Big Fucking Deal.

I'm saying this after two big details just came into play. Boozer signed a max contract with Chicago and Lebron is holding his press conference from Greewich, CT which is a big deal because every rich dude or prospective rich dude from NYC has a crib there. I hate to be cliche but tomorrow night could be one of those nights in 15 years when you look back and say "I was ... when Lebron hijacked national television to announce where he was signing" and the possibility of that is awesome. I still say he's gonna stay in Cleveland but I don't know why. They have nothing. I mean nothing. I'd rather make out with two brain dead lesbians in a coma than spend a day in Cleveland. Some dudes are into that, I suppose. The smart guy would go to Chicago where he has the big city and supporting cast to make a title run and make the team his while Miami presents rings but kinda kills the whole King James brand. Believe it or not, I'd support Bron-Bron signing in New York. It'll be so much sweeter when Boston kicks the shit out of him as a division rival and he'll be just another NY athlete who choked on the big stage against a Bean town squad.


P.S. I don't like Lebron but I want a Witness T-Shirt to wear if I ever get picked for jury duty. The jury takes the stand and you make eye contact with the defendant as he sees your Witness shirt. Guarantee he shits his pants. The "he" in this scenario is obviously a young black male around 6 feet tall and 20 years of age.

Janitor Finds 3 Foot Long Snake In Locker. Insert Penis Joke Here

NEWTON, Mass. -- A custodian cleaning out lockers at a Massachusetts high school was so shocked when a 3-foot-long snake fell at his feet that he didn't even think it was real. Ed Reardon tells The Daily News Tribune that at first he thought it was a change purse. Then he thought it was a rubber snake. Then it coiled into attack mode. Reardon didn't panic. He grabbed it behind the head as he had seen on nature TV shows. When he got off work at Newton North High School, he brought it to a local pet store, where workers identified it as a ball python. Reardon thinks a student left the snake in the locker at the end of school as a prank. He found a notebook in the same locker with a student's name on it, and turned it over to the principal.

I told Chris Powers to stop hiding out in Newton locker rooms but he never listens to me.  But seriously now. Ed Reardon might be the best available free agent on the market as far I'm concerned. You know how they talk about keeping your cool and not letting the heat get to you when you're in the kitchen? He's got it. How else would you explain our boy going to pick up what he thought was a rubber snake and then seeing it coil into attack mode and not totally losing his shit? That's what we in the biz call much in the clutch. Just get your Steve Irwin on and dismantle that bomb, baby. On the other hand how the fuck do you mistake a ball python for a rubber snake? I guess you can't expect much out of a janitor. They're only 3 spots higher on the totem pole than strippers and 4 higher than hookers and 5 higher than any job a female can do.

Breaking News! Oh. Wait...

Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh are teaming up together on Wade's Miami Heat, the two free agents said Wednesday. It was not immediately clear whether Bosh -- who spent seven seasons with the Toronto Raptors  Chris Bosh, right, and Dwyane Wade will appear on ESPN "SportsCenter" at 12:30 p.m. ET on Wednesday to announce their future plans. Whether LeBron James, the kingpin of this summer's celebrated free-agent class, will join them in Miami remains to be seen. James will announce his decision at 9 p.m. ET Thursday during a one-hour special on ESPN.

I can't take this shit anymore. They're fucking basketball players. What they do for a living has absolutely effect on how we live our lives but the media treats them like Obama announcing the release of all the nuclear codes.  Obviously as a fan I'd like to know where these guys are playing but they act like they have the cure for cancer or something and the sad part is none of this was even exciting. Wade is staying in Miami, Bosh is an overrated power forward who wants to team  up with him with no support and Lebron is probably gonna stay in Cleveland where he can get beat in the playoffs every year. And ESPN buys into all of it just like they do with Brett Favre every summer. It's fucking maddening to watch. If I have to hear Chris Broussard mention his "sources" or "insiders" and say "Well, Uh, I think Lebron could" one more time I'm gonna march down to Bristol, rip his dick off and rape Mel Kiper with it.

Hey Nick Swisher, I'm Coming For Your Ass

I don't usually get too heated or give a fuck about who makes the All-Star team but this year it just became personal. We have a battle between Nick Swisher and Youk for the final spot and it's up to the fans to vote one of them in. Listen, let's put our swords away for a minute and be honest with yourself. Youk deserves this. He's been the constant all season for Boston and is really the only thing keeping them afloat as we're hit with the injury plague. It's absolutely criminal that Girardi picked A-Roid for his team and not Youk. It's fucking shameful and it's almost a slap in the face to everyone. So all I'm saying is vote Youk in. We can't have another Yankee on that team. I can't have another Yankee on that team. And if I'm not happy, you're not happy.

The Demise of Tiger Continues

 "Here sweet thang. You ever play 4-square? Tiger style. "

ADARE, Ireland -- Tiger Woods looked just as out of form in a celebrity pro-am as he did on the PGA Tour. The world's No. 1 golfer arrived Monday in Ireland just hours after his 46th-place finish at the AT&T National in Pennsylvania and shot a 7-over 79 in the first round of the J.P. McManus Invitational Pro-Am. The unranked event in County Limerick featuring Hollywood celebrities and Irish billionaires was his first overseas event since revelations of his extramarital affairs surfaced last year. While more than 40,000 Irish golf fans offered him a friendly and forgiving welcome, Woods' opening round at the 7,453-yard, par-72 Adare Manor Golf Resort was often dreadful. He bogeyed six holes, double-bogeyed the 7th, and managed a lone birdie on the 17th.


This won't last. Once those divorce papers are signed and he's a free man then prepare for the beast to be released back into the wild. Just gotta get his legs out from under him. 


P.S. this has nothing to do with anything but I just saw 2 boys raping 6 girls.  Walk into a random group at a party and say that. Expect great results.

Relax, Knicks Fans. Amare Is a Chump.

NEW YORK -- The New York Knicks reached an agreement in principle Monday with free agent Amare Stoudemire after receiving assurances it would not be an impediment to their pursuit of LeBron James. The All-Star forward will receive a five-year, $99.7 million contract that will reunite him with coach Mike D'Antoni.  Stoudemire's agent, Happy Walters, said last week there was a "structure of an offer on the table," but no actual offer was put forth by the Knicks until they met with Stoudemire at Madison Square Garden on Monday afternoon. The deal cannot be signed until Thursday. "The fact that Amare really wanted to come here and stepped up front, it got to the point that we had to acknowledge that," team president Donnie Walsh said. "That means something to us." The Knicks believe they are still in the hunt for James (and, to a lesser degree, for Dwyane Wade), but Sunday night's news that James planned to delay making a decision until Wednesday or Thursday helped force their hand in regards to Stoudemire.

Lebron might be an egomaniac but he's not an idiot. If Amare's own team wouldn't throw a max contract at him then why would New York? Oh, That's right. It's the Knicks. The same franchise that thought Marbury, T-Mac, Jamal Crawford, and Eddy Curry were all the answers.  I don't understand how people can say Amare makes NY a desired destination for Lebron. If anything it does just the opposite. He doesn't play defense, is a head case and he won't be shit without Steve Nash at the point. You can take that to the bank. Lebron wants to make a run at a title with Amare, that big Italian dude and Chris Duhon? Uhhhh nope. Gotta love the Knicks for keeping this off season entertaining though. They told their fan base they would make a splash this summer and unfortunately it was that of a ship sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Think of this way. If you don't expect much, you'll never be disappointed.

So That's Why Jamarcus Was Such a Slug?

MOBILE, Ala. -- Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell has been charged with possession of a controlled substance -- codeine syrup -- after being arrested at his home in Alabama on Monday, authorities said. The 24-year-old former LSU star and the No. 1 draft choice in 2007 was arrested as part of an undercover narcotics investigation, said Mobile County Sheriff's spokeswoman Lori Myles. She would not say what led to his arrest. She said he did not have a prescription for the codeine. Russell, who graduated from high school in Mobile, was booked into the city jail and released soon afterward on $2,500 bond, online records show. The Raiders released Russell, considered one of the NFL's biggest draft busts, in May after he won only seven of his 25 starts and was benched. He completed just 52.1 percent of his passes in his career with 18 touchdowns, 23 interceptions, 15 lost fumbles and a passer rating of 65.2.

This explains a lot. Like I know he was a fat ass for a QB and he had an IQ of 4 but I never understood why he couldn't get his shit together but now I totally do.  And guess what? I don't totally blame him for this. In Dare they didn't tell you about syrup. Instead they went off about the terrible habit of drinking a beer after a hard day of work in the summer sun. But what am I supposed to do when a lil wayne clone offers you some cough syrup and sprite? Uhh I don't know. I like sprite and cherry flavored liquids. I mean my throat hurts. Is that gonna help it? I'm more scared about the children because at the end of the day that's what it's all about. The kids.

Remember When I Said We Needed a Shooter? Bong Bong!

WINTER PARK, Fla. - While the Celtics [team stats] continue to tend to their own Garden in hopes of retaining their own free agents, the club is exploring a number of other options, as well. League sources said yesterday that the Celts have expressed trade interest in guards Leandro Barbosa of Phoenix and Rudy Fernandez of Portland. The Celtics probably are using Rasheed Wallace’s contract in their attempt to acquire Barbosa, who averaged 9.5 points in 17.9 minutes for the Suns this season. Barbosa will make $7.1 million in 2010-11 and has a player option for $7.6 million the following season. Wallace is on the books for $6,322,320, which is well within the acceptable range (125 percent plus $100,000) for a trade under NBA rules. The Suns then could let Wallace retire and be responsible on their cap only for the buyout, which the C’s could help with, too. Barbosa, 27, is a seven-year veteran who would fit well with the uptempo style coach Doc Rivers and general manager Danny Ainge prefer. But Fernandez may be even more intriguing. He’s a 6-foot-6 shooter ill-suited to the Trail Blazers’ halfcourt approach. The 25-year-old Spaniard also spoke of being homesick last season when he averaged 8.1 points and 2.0 assists in 23.2 minutes.

You can't go wrong with Barbosa or Fernandez. I love, love, love, love, love them. Always have, always will. It's hard to find a guy who can mix flair and freakish athletic skills with tenacity but that 's exactly what Rudy gives you. Did I mention he's a fucking stud? Like it or not but spanish gentlemen put asses in the seats.

God Is Not Good

BOSTON -- Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek, who was supposed to assume everyday catching duties with Victor Martinez on the disabled list with a fractured left thumb, instead is joining Martinez on the disabled list with a fractured foot, a major league source confirmed Thursday night. WBZ-Channel 4 in Boston was the first to report that Varitek sustained a leg injury and showed footage of Varitek's charity miniature golf event Thursday night, in which the Sox captain could clearly be seen limping. Details were sketchy, but a major league source said that while Varitek is expected to miss four to six weeks, it could be less. It is not certain which foot was fractured, but a source said Varitek did not break the foot in Tuesday night's near-collision with third baseman Adrian Beltre. 

You gotta be fucking kidding me. 

God Is Good!

Paul Pierce and the Celtics have agreed to a four-year contract extension, according to multiple reports. Sources told ESPN.com Thursday that Pierce's agent, Jeff Schwartz, and the team were making progress in contract talks and expected a verbal agreement to be secured in advance of July 8, the first day free agents officially can sign deals. That agreement appears to have come quickly with sources suggesting Piece never engaged in any serious dialogue with other teams despite introductory inquiries from a "few" teams. The Celtics now have locked down two key leaders on the team in three days, after coach Doc Rivers agreed to return to the Boston bench Wednesday. The team now will turn its attention to unrestricted free agent Ray Allen -- and the rest of its seven remaining unrestricted free agents -- as it looks to keep the core together after winning a title in 2008 and coming six minutes away from another just weeks ago.

I don't care what anybody says. If Doc thinks we have another title run in us then we have another title run in us. People play up the age factor in professional sports way too much. KG was just hitting his stride in the playoffs and Rondo is only going to get better. And Pierce is just a work horse. That guy could play another 3 quality seasons before we see any real drop off in play. Only thing we need now is a shooter and his name isn't Ray Allen.

Tiger's $750 Million Dollar Mistake

No piece of ass is worth losing that much money. Is Tiger even worth $750 million? That bitch cold cleaned him out.

Craigslist Ad: Marketing Firm Seeks a One Man Wolfpack.

Welcome LoneWolves!
Job hunting can be stressful, that's why you shouldn't take yourself too seriously.
The candidates we hire have (2) choices:
 
(1.) Start entry-level, develop a ton of transferable skills, work side by side with quality people and the world's leading corporations, advance to new positions, and make money while figuring out what you really want to be when you grow up.

(2.) Start entry-level, begin advancing, become a partner and never job hunt again.

The World's Leading Fortune 500 companies outsource New York Business Partners to help improve their existing customer retention, new customer acquisition and increase their market share. We currently focus on their small to mid-size customer base using a style of B2B and B2C sales and marketing. We offer extensive training and are looking for professional candidates to advance within our company.

Our company policy is to train people from scratch, so only send your resume if the following applies:
1. You have a sense of humor.
2. You are a team player.
3. People often tell you how much they like you.
4. You work harder than everyone you know. 

If you feel that you would be a good fit for this position, please e-mail your resume to nybphr@gmail.com (include resume in body of email) or contact Paula or Katie at 212.760.0233 

My response went something like this. 

Good morrow future employer, 

First off let me start by saying this. I'm a bit of a loner and I do indeed tend to think of myself a one man wolfpack. But then moments ago, I saw your ad and I knew you were one of my own. So now there are two of us and potentially more in our pack. But let's cut the bullshit and allow me to tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a people person so you can check #1 and #3 off your list because the bottom line is my jokes will blow your dick off, bro. Am I a team player? Uh, I don't know. Ever heard of Team Night Moves from the WBL? Yeah, I thought you did. You don't get to first place in this league by being selfish. Now the bad news. I do not work harder than anyone I know. In fact, I might work the least out of anyone I know but I fucking get results. When I wanna do something, I do it. But when I kind of want to do something it's not getting done until April. Just keep me happy. That brings up another part that bothers me. Why do I have to tell you about myself? Like who the fuck are you? Why don't you tell me what makes you so fucking special. Woo me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a free agent and I can go anywhere. But you? You've been stuck in the same dead end job for years and had to resort to craigs list to find prospective employees. So fuck you. I'm out. You can come work for me.

Germany/Argentina Is Gonna Be Madness.

ERASMIA, South Africa -- Germany midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger accuses World Cup quarterfinals rival Argentina of showing no respect for opponents and referees, and urges his teammates not to be provoked.Germany eliminated Argentina on penalty kicks four years ago at the same stage and there were chaotic scenes after the shootout, with both sides exchanging punches and kicks in a fracas that included team officials from both benches. "The shootout is still in our memory, but what really weighs heavily on our minds is what happened after that match," Schweinsteiger said Wednesday. "We have to remain calm and not get provoked and I hope the referee will be very alert. "You could see their behavior at halftime of the game against Mexico. When you look at their body language and gesticulations, the way they try to influence the referees, they have no respect. It's their mentality and character and we'll have to adjust."

This is exactly what we wanted. A classic bilingual blood fest.  You just have to look at the world history within these two countries to know they're ruthless. Germany was Germany but Argentina is the birthplace of Che and that dude was a ruthless motherfucker. I mean I don't know. If I were picking a soccer team would I choose the guerilla warfare expert who had sex in the jungle or some nazi who sat behind his desk and called the shots like a little bitch? That's really the only reason I'm picking Argentina. Not because they look unstoppable but because they have that south american blood and I know from experience that once the blood starts boiling in a south american, watch out. Laser show. But really, Germany doesn't impress me. Argentina impresses me even without Messi scoring. Just sucks that they're all gonna end up losing to Brazil at some point. Oh, wait that doesn't suck at all.