Janitor Finds 3 Foot Long Snake In Locker. Insert Penis Joke Here

NEWTON, Mass. -- A custodian cleaning out lockers at a Massachusetts high school was so shocked when a 3-foot-long snake fell at his feet that he didn't even think it was real. Ed Reardon tells The Daily News Tribune that at first he thought it was a change purse. Then he thought it was a rubber snake. Then it coiled into attack mode. Reardon didn't panic. He grabbed it behind the head as he had seen on nature TV shows. When he got off work at Newton North High School, he brought it to a local pet store, where workers identified it as a ball python. Reardon thinks a student left the snake in the locker at the end of school as a prank. He found a notebook in the same locker with a student's name on it, and turned it over to the principal.

I told Chris Powers to stop hiding out in Newton locker rooms but he never listens to me.  But seriously now. Ed Reardon might be the best available free agent on the market as far I'm concerned. You know how they talk about keeping your cool and not letting the heat get to you when you're in the kitchen? He's got it. How else would you explain our boy going to pick up what he thought was a rubber snake and then seeing it coil into attack mode and not totally losing his shit? That's what we in the biz call much in the clutch. Just get your Steve Irwin on and dismantle that bomb, baby. On the other hand how the fuck do you mistake a ball python for a rubber snake? I guess you can't expect much out of a janitor. They're only 3 spots higher on the totem pole than strippers and 4 higher than hookers and 5 higher than any job a female can do.